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that is mi, the only living thing on earth..
4 comment(s) .
5:27 AM
Wednesday, May 12, 2010 there is a pause button <<<< at the green box right there to give the blog song a pause if you want to listen to this song here.
i don't know, but okay, i will try to try. maybe you're right, most probably you are, but it's really so hard for mi, you know, to try, to imagine there's really any goodness for mi, that i deserve any of them, i hate trying, i am freaking sick of trying you know, though i most likely didn't really try with all i have, but trust mi, i've tried, times, uncountable times, though i can barely remember them, but i know, i did tried, but things didn't turned out as they are supposed to be, maybe they just didn't turned out to be what i wanted them to be, maybe they did turned out what they're supposed to be, but just, against what i've been hoping for, i am like everyone, overwhelmed with the indescribable joy when i first saw hope, when it is so grey, but then, things just isn't working the same for mi as everyone else, i see light, lights, many of them, like they are in infinity you know, like there would never be darkness around mi anymore, at that very second, i actually believed that, i am in the dark and there they are, lights, then suddenly, when i reach one of them, or even go near any one of them by an wee inch, it breaks, the glass scattered all over the floor, at the moment, i really think it's just some short circuit, no biggie, then the second one breaks, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, tenth, twentieth.. i still, really convinced myself that maybe it's just the overloaded electricity, maybe i am carrying some sort of static or what with mi, and that's why they break once i go near them, i am carrying some sort of static, but it's called curse, one after another, they break, i ran, i felt so lost, and i still do, i went crazy and screamed my lungs out, the dread just come haunting mi, gripping mi and wouldn't let mi go, strangling mi, i can hardly breathe, and i struggle, with all my strength and whatever that was left inside of mi, the harder i struggle, the stronger the grip is, i didn't give up, i tell myself, yang, if you try hard enough, if you try hard enough, you can do it, sure you can, you can do it, just don't give up trying, try harder, harder, this isn't any harder, more, more and more, yeah good, keeping it up, c'mon yang, but the second i tried my hardest, my heart stopped beating, here i am, at a place, so cold and dark, shouting for help, wondering and hoping if anybody is there. if anything was ever there, i look around, i searched every single place, stepping on all the glass on the floor, letting my feet bleed, until i can't feel them anymore, i've found nothing, nothing, can you believe it? i broke down, lying on the mass pieces of glass, then i realized how much i love you, how deep i fell for you, how much i need you, more than i ever do, at that moment, i regret, i hate myself, for not telling how much you mean to mi, even though i know you won't feel the same way i feel for you, you are more likely to be hating mi than even like mi, i know, but something in mi, just want to tell you, i love you and i really do, i care about you, although i've used everything i have, to pretend i didn't, but i just can't help it, i just can't, it's just stronger than my mask, i fight with it every time, it is so hard hiding it from you, but i think maybe i did success hiding it from you, at least, most of it, but another part of mi just hate it, that part of mi is so desperate to show you the truth, the only truth, who i really am, how i really feel, what i really did, there's scenarios running in my mind, practicing and perfecting what i'm gonna tell you how i feel about you, but when you come, in front of mi, i get panic, my mind just go blank, i'm just so happy seeing you, and having you around mi, and at the same time, hating myself of being such coward, if, if only i've given a chance, a real chance to get my feeling out of my chest, i think i'd only tell you, i love you, i can't live without you, there isn't a day i was not thinking about you, there isn't a night i slept without missing you, weeping in self pity how we can never be together, but in the end, i know, love isn't how i feel, is about how you feel, is about your happiness, is about letting you go when it is meant to be, is about giving everything i have, is about providing the best for you by any means, is about taking all those sorrows, hurts, disappointment, helplessness, loneliness, all kind of darkness, from you, even if it means i have to have them in mi, even if it means that i would suffer, more than i can ever imagine, but i will do it, joyfully, knowing you'll be alright, all these awful things have gone from you, and i will never regret it, i'll thank god, for listening to my only prayer, for making my only wish i've made upon the meteor shower, happens, then i'd say, hey thanks pal, worth it, i'd go like, hahahahaahahaha, laughing loudly, saying, worth it, worth it, worth it, hahahaha, you can take my life now, now that i know she's under your care, and that she'll have the best she could ever have, this is what you've promised mi, take care, my love. that's all, even though there's more, if only i was given a chance to tell you more. till then, be always joyful, like you always are, even more joy, love, yang. |
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